I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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