I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
you had me at cake vodka
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
