onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Randomize
