dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
