it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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