New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Randomize
