I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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