hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
