I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
