But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
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If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
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Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize