i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
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I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
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you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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