i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Just took my morning after pill in the library
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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