Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
