the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
