i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
