I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
