I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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