Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
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