you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
