Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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