Please, let me fuck your mom
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
