He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
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Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
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it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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