She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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