after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
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