i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
