There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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