Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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