You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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