you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
this beer tastes like vomit already
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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