I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
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