I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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