I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
