there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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