I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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