I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
