He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
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Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
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I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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