are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Randomize
