I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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