I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
