there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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