every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
You're like the curious george of whores
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
