did you get engaged???
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
