your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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