if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
