I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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