4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
