She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
