the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
