zippers are such a cool invention
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
