8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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