Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
