I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
