He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
