I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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