dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
