I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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