Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
