It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
