the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
