My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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