highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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